The middle of March 2015. March is often a trigger month for me. I don't know why exactly, but if I reflect on past years, I usually have a major life changing event, an emotional breakdown, meltdown, drunken episode (sometimes all 3 combined) and resolve to get myself together. It hasn't ever actually happened...I mean the getting myself together part. All other mentioned breakdowns, episodes and events have continually been a part of March(es)...and I have given up on trying to avoid them. They have become a tradition- which I am trying to view favourably, as I have realized they are probably never going to disappear from my "cycle of life". I have also decided that I don't need to try and figure out what is triggering me each month of March...who really cares? It might just be a time period in my life when I have to get over myself, and allow myself to mess up...If I can have compassion for friends, family, clients, strangers....can I not allow the same for myself...I hope so.
Thursday, December 8, 2016
Friday, October 2, 2015
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Mental Health Days
I started my morning with a cup of (not so good) coffee, a thumb press on the clicker to check out the national news channel- which is covering the floods and disaster in Australia, (I honestly feel bad about this. I have a ton of Australian friends who live in Qeensland,).
Another click and I am into my email to catch up with my life. And it starts.
As I look at the clock- I realize that 48 minutes have passed. 16 emails opened and replied to, and my coffee is cold. Again, my resolution to be at the office early- to get an energetic headstart, spirals down the drain. Not only is it past 9, but I am still in my pink, fuzzy terry-towel bathrobe and I am looking at a minimum of 40 minutes to transform this couch potato into a presentable human being.
I call the office. Again. Although I am telling the complete and utter truth, as I am explaining my situation to my co-worker, and emphasizing how much more productive I will be if I stay home, I wonder why it sounds and feels like a totally lame excuse, a blatant lie- even to me!? What is the matter with my head? My ears? Am I developing multiple personalities?? WHO IS THIS TALKING??? This gets me thinking... and questioning things (like my sanity). And I start the usual process...and over analyzing...
Okay! As I snap out of my contemplative, tilted head pose, I realize that another 35 minutes has passed. I have accomplished nothing. My inbox has filled with 9 more emails, and I am still in my pink,... fuzzy terry-towel bathrobe. I start opening the emails marked high-priority. Deadlines, delayed approvals and unclear staff have my stomach in knots.
"Why doesnt anybody get this?" I ask myself. And then I get it. I am an alien (just kidding). .. .There is nothing to get. I am swirling around in my own pool of stress. I have jumped in head first, and asked someone to turn the speed up. This is such a painful lesson. And harder yet, when people pick up on it, and end up feeling my stress. The stress I feel ashamed about feeling.
This really hits me hard. I so dont want to burden those I love with my own, needs-to-be-dealt-with-on-a-personal-level-stuff. If I dont love them, (or even care about them) ... whatever. No second thought.
But the people I feel for and care most about shouldnt have to deal with this stuff. It is mine, and mine alone to figure out. Or so I think...we are all so connected. Whether we choose or want to be!
I guess the dilemmna is how to acknowledge it, approach and deal with it, while trying my best not to affect the important people. But... according to quantam physics- this is an impossible feat
So, with realizing all of this...I think I get it...perhaps my stuff isnt just mine. Maybe, just maybe... I am feeling this way as a result of something going on with those most closely connected to me.
A pregnant daughter, excitement, anticipation, the fear of the unknown...basically - life changing circumstances.
Another daughter with a sick child...the pain that affects both mother and child, spouse and other children- the worry and exhaustion of wanting things to be safe and smoothe in order to carry on.
And my baby- hoping to get through insurmountable and equally unpredictable red tape in order to be with the one she loves the most, and her family during life's most important times. Looking at a life-style change, and hoping for the best.
I take another look at 'the situation' and re-evaluate. It is starting to make sense. All of a sudden I am happy for my strengths and current position in life . I am available- in whatever way I need to be.
I am strong. I am willing and capable, and so stoked to be able to be able to be where I am.
So, as I sit here in my pink, fuzzy terry-towel robe, I have answered all of my emails, gotten things organized at the office for another productive day, and cooked a delicious and nutritious dinner (there was spinach). I have been able to understand where the 3 best accomplishments of my life are coming from. It's not bad at all. As a matter of fact, it is pretty freakin awesome :)
Another click and I am into my email to catch up with my life. And it starts.
As I look at the clock- I realize that 48 minutes have passed. 16 emails opened and replied to, and my coffee is cold. Again, my resolution to be at the office early- to get an energetic headstart, spirals down the drain. Not only is it past 9, but I am still in my pink, fuzzy terry-towel bathrobe and I am looking at a minimum of 40 minutes to transform this couch potato into a presentable human being.
I call the office. Again. Although I am telling the complete and utter truth, as I am explaining my situation to my co-worker, and emphasizing how much more productive I will be if I stay home, I wonder why it sounds and feels like a totally lame excuse, a blatant lie- even to me!? What is the matter with my head? My ears? Am I developing multiple personalities?? WHO IS THIS TALKING??? This gets me thinking... and questioning things (like my sanity). And I start the usual process...and over analyzing...
Okay! As I snap out of my contemplative, tilted head pose, I realize that another 35 minutes has passed. I have accomplished nothing. My inbox has filled with 9 more emails, and I am still in my pink,... fuzzy terry-towel bathrobe. I start opening the emails marked high-priority. Deadlines, delayed approvals and unclear staff have my stomach in knots.
"Why doesnt anybody get this?" I ask myself. And then I get it. I am an alien (just kidding). .. .There is nothing to get. I am swirling around in my own pool of stress. I have jumped in head first, and asked someone to turn the speed up. This is such a painful lesson. And harder yet, when people pick up on it, and end up feeling my stress. The stress I feel ashamed about feeling.
This really hits me hard. I so dont want to burden those I love with my own, needs-to-be-dealt-with-on-a-personal-level-stuff. If I dont love them, (or even care about them) ... whatever. No second thought.
But the people I feel for and care most about shouldnt have to deal with this stuff. It is mine, and mine alone to figure out. Or so I think...we are all so connected. Whether we choose or want to be!
I guess the dilemmna is how to acknowledge it, approach and deal with it, while trying my best not to affect the important people. But... according to quantam physics- this is an impossible feat
So, with realizing all of this...I think I get it...perhaps my stuff isnt just mine. Maybe, just maybe... I am feeling this way as a result of something going on with those most closely connected to me.
A pregnant daughter, excitement, anticipation, the fear of the unknown...basically - life changing circumstances.
Another daughter with a sick child...the pain that affects both mother and child, spouse and other children- the worry and exhaustion of wanting things to be safe and smoothe in order to carry on.
And my baby- hoping to get through insurmountable and equally unpredictable red tape in order to be with the one she loves the most, and her family during life's most important times. Looking at a life-style change, and hoping for the best.
I take another look at 'the situation' and re-evaluate. It is starting to make sense. All of a sudden I am happy for my strengths and current position in life . I am available- in whatever way I need to be.
I am strong. I am willing and capable, and so stoked to be able to be able to be where I am.
So, as I sit here in my pink, fuzzy terry-towel robe, I have answered all of my emails, gotten things organized at the office for another productive day, and cooked a delicious and nutritious dinner (there was spinach). I have been able to understand where the 3 best accomplishments of my life are coming from. It's not bad at all. As a matter of fact, it is pretty freakin awesome :)
Monday, December 27, 2010
Almost a New Year!
As the new- old year of 2011 approaches I have many thoughts … I am a bit reluctant about entering this new phase of my life. New, as in new to me.
I feel that this is the year I am officially old. Too old to go to clubs, too old to like Usher and Craig David. My body, face and overall exterior are not what I imagined for myself. At any time in my entire life did I picture myself this way. None of the stars I fancied myself as having everything in common with (Cindy Crawford- thank you – you know who you are, and there was a point when people thought we were twins). I wonder if over-the-counter surgeries, extended lines of credit and a new invention would enable me to have access to these life altering services. I hate to admit it but the blank eyed stretchy face look...is enviable these days! Not to mention air brushing.
On another note, one of the many highlights of this year for me personally was connecting on an even deeper level with my sister, Midge. We are so more alike then even we imagined, that for me it has been so comforting. Otherwise I would have been hiding from the men in white suits. If I do end up in one of those padded white cells, I know she will visit me (if she isnt there before me). Thank you Midge. I love you xo
Another wake up call… When your sweet darling granddaughters remind you of how you have 2 tummies and a fat back, it really hits your ego… as well as your nerves. It is a good thing mother nature equips you with a natural love, cuz without that…well I don’t even want to think about it. At the same time, I know they aren’t trying to hurt me. They are just telling it like it is…Time to quit blaming hormones and this phase of my life...I actually thought of legally changing my last name from 'Clark'to 'Menopause'...that way I could introduce myself as " Hi, Im Peri...Peri Menopause...."
I am currently addicted to the Canadian TV series “ Departures” ( I've had to give up SIx Feet Under). As usual, I clued in when it was over so am watching re-runs…but at the same time, there is something so inspiring and familiar about the drive that those boys posess to explore and search for alternative life styles (not in the sexual way-for those searching for that this is the wrong show). I especially loved the photography of Cuba and the Libya experience…and am even warming up to the winter episodes of Iceland, Russia, and the Arctic.
If I could relive my life to include everything positive, plus some additional made for tv episodes- it would be "Departures". These young men are my heroes. These are the type of men my girls should marry. And, actually they did. I am so fortunate to have son-in-laws that appreciate the intricacies of other cultures, and connect to the deeper part of my daughter’s heritage- the openness and curiosity of exploring the world around us. There has to be a DNA connection somewhere- even if it started with me :)
Anyways- as far as 2010- I am totally ok with the entire year...I mean there is still time for cosmetic surgery :)... As for 2011, this will be another landmark year for my family ( 2002, 2007). I am expecting the arrival of a long awaited family member. Can’t wait till you get here, I have so many secret stories to share with you. I am aching to hold you . And Santana, can you hurry up and come home child. Then I will be able to get on with another satisfying, life fulfilling year. Love to all my family! You make it all worth it. oxoxoxox
I feel that this is the year I am officially old. Too old to go to clubs, too old to like Usher and Craig David. My body, face and overall exterior are not what I imagined for myself. At any time in my entire life did I picture myself this way. None of the stars I fancied myself as having everything in common with (Cindy Crawford- thank you – you know who you are, and there was a point when people thought we were twins). I wonder if over-the-counter surgeries, extended lines of credit and a new invention would enable me to have access to these life altering services. I hate to admit it but the blank eyed stretchy face look...is enviable these days! Not to mention air brushing.
On another note, one of the many highlights of this year for me personally was connecting on an even deeper level with my sister, Midge. We are so more alike then even we imagined, that for me it has been so comforting. Otherwise I would have been hiding from the men in white suits. If I do end up in one of those padded white cells, I know she will visit me (if she isnt there before me). Thank you Midge. I love you xo
Another wake up call… When your sweet darling granddaughters remind you of how you have 2 tummies and a fat back, it really hits your ego… as well as your nerves. It is a good thing mother nature equips you with a natural love, cuz without that…well I don’t even want to think about it. At the same time, I know they aren’t trying to hurt me. They are just telling it like it is…Time to quit blaming hormones and this phase of my life...I actually thought of legally changing my last name from 'Clark'to 'Menopause'...that way I could introduce myself as " Hi, Im Peri...Peri Menopause...."
I am currently addicted to the Canadian TV series “ Departures” ( I've had to give up SIx Feet Under). As usual, I clued in when it was over so am watching re-runs…but at the same time, there is something so inspiring and familiar about the drive that those boys posess to explore and search for alternative life styles (not in the sexual way-for those searching for that this is the wrong show). I especially loved the photography of Cuba and the Libya experience…and am even warming up to the winter episodes of Iceland, Russia, and the Arctic.
If I could relive my life to include everything positive, plus some additional made for tv episodes- it would be "Departures". These young men are my heroes. These are the type of men my girls should marry. And, actually they did. I am so fortunate to have son-in-laws that appreciate the intricacies of other cultures, and connect to the deeper part of my daughter’s heritage- the openness and curiosity of exploring the world around us. There has to be a DNA connection somewhere- even if it started with me :)
Anyways- as far as 2010- I am totally ok with the entire year...I mean there is still time for cosmetic surgery :)... As for 2011, this will be another landmark year for my family ( 2002, 2007). I am expecting the arrival of a long awaited family member. Can’t wait till you get here, I have so many secret stories to share with you. I am aching to hold you . And Santana, can you hurry up and come home child. Then I will be able to get on with another satisfying, life fulfilling year. Love to all my family! You make it all worth it. oxoxoxox
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Dancing Queen
I didnt feel like writing anything in July. I did think about it alot, but to tell you the truth, couldnt be bothered. I have had a very "different" and unexpected August. Different and unexpected in the fact that I have learned some new things about myself. Well, I dont know if I have really learned anything new persay- but perhaps I have finally been able to admit to myself that there are things about me that are here to stay, whether I want them to or not.
And, instead of ignoring these parts of myself, I am just going to accept them and get on with it.
One of the things is how much I like to dance. I mean..... I really really love dancing.
And I seem to do it whenver, wherever I can. I dont usually stop until the last song is done, and even then it is hard to get me off the dance floor. Especially if there has been alcohol involved. Why this is, I have no idea. ( I may be hanging on to the wall or something for support, but usually it is I am just waiting for more tunes...) Maybe because dancing lets me lose myself for awhile.
I also like to combine dancing with drinking. Imagine that. I feel like Im not supposed to say it outloud for some reason. That I should be more 'evolved' or 'above' it some how. But it is the truth.
I dont know if I am actually a better dancer when I have had a drink or five, but somehow I sort of think I am....which is why there is usually a whole new fancy set of intricate footwork, when I slip into my latin, flamenco combined with river dance - personal style to say the least And every once in awhile, just to make sure I am staying original- I will throw in a Balinese arm move, contorted and fingers moving in sync, not to mention the head tipped oh so slightly and concentrating on widening those eyelids...This is also to prove how versatile I actually am. And if I am wearing a long skirt- look out- a star is born.
Another thing about me that I have recently discovered is ... I no longer pretend that these occurences havent happened.
In years previous, I wouldn't dare mention them. I would just carry on like I have for the past 35 years (since I have combined the two, not since I was born) and make sure that I talked about anything but. Maybe If I didnt mention it then it didnt really happen, and people wouldnt judge me...(like I so harshly judged myself).
Well, I have changed my mind. When I do have a night of performer's remorse, (as I now refer to it), I cant wait to call my sister and tell her my latest escapade in being a single middle aged woman who once again has had a small public mishap.
It makes me feel so much better when I can be totally honest with her, not leaving out a detail...and instead of her saying "oh, oh, you shouldnt have done that"- she can relate an equally embarrassing incident, and we end up laughing so hard we cant breathe.
I dont know how many people will think of this as a good thing, but it sure is for me. And hangovers- although not fun, they are certainly real, and when I stop having them from drinking too much, I will really start to worry. I dont want my body to accept all that poison without a fight!
I have also stopped promising that it will never happen again. I used to say that. And it always happened again. And I am willing to bet there are a few more drink and dance evenings in my future. But the good thing is- I can now laugh at it instead of going into self-hatred mode. I mean, I am pretty hilarious if I do say so myself.
In tribute, I post this link- which to be honest- makes me look pretty good .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12d1zyG2ojs
Until my next post which may come under the title of :
Drink & Dial is Dead...Long Live Drink & Facebook
And, instead of ignoring these parts of myself, I am just going to accept them and get on with it.
One of the things is how much I like to dance. I mean..... I really really love dancing.
And I seem to do it whenver, wherever I can. I dont usually stop until the last song is done, and even then it is hard to get me off the dance floor. Especially if there has been alcohol involved. Why this is, I have no idea. ( I may be hanging on to the wall or something for support, but usually it is I am just waiting for more tunes...) Maybe because dancing lets me lose myself for awhile.
I also like to combine dancing with drinking. Imagine that. I feel like Im not supposed to say it outloud for some reason. That I should be more 'evolved' or 'above' it some how. But it is the truth.
I dont know if I am actually a better dancer when I have had a drink or five, but somehow I sort of think I am....which is why there is usually a whole new fancy set of intricate footwork, when I slip into my latin, flamenco combined with river dance - personal style to say the least And every once in awhile, just to make sure I am staying original- I will throw in a Balinese arm move, contorted and fingers moving in sync, not to mention the head tipped oh so slightly and concentrating on widening those eyelids...This is also to prove how versatile I actually am. And if I am wearing a long skirt- look out- a star is born.
Another thing about me that I have recently discovered is ... I no longer pretend that these occurences havent happened.
In years previous, I wouldn't dare mention them. I would just carry on like I have for the past 35 years (since I have combined the two, not since I was born) and make sure that I talked about anything but. Maybe If I didnt mention it then it didnt really happen, and people wouldnt judge me...(like I so harshly judged myself).
Well, I have changed my mind. When I do have a night of performer's remorse, (as I now refer to it), I cant wait to call my sister and tell her my latest escapade in being a single middle aged woman who once again has had a small public mishap.
It makes me feel so much better when I can be totally honest with her, not leaving out a detail...and instead of her saying "oh, oh, you shouldnt have done that"- she can relate an equally embarrassing incident, and we end up laughing so hard we cant breathe.
I dont know how many people will think of this as a good thing, but it sure is for me. And hangovers- although not fun, they are certainly real, and when I stop having them from drinking too much, I will really start to worry. I dont want my body to accept all that poison without a fight!
I have also stopped promising that it will never happen again. I used to say that. And it always happened again. And I am willing to bet there are a few more drink and dance evenings in my future. But the good thing is- I can now laugh at it instead of going into self-hatred mode. I mean, I am pretty hilarious if I do say so myself.
In tribute, I post this link- which to be honest- makes me look pretty good .
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12d1zyG2ojs
Until my next post which may come under the title of :
Drink & Dial is Dead...Long Live Drink & Facebook
Thursday, June 17, 2010
June
June always has such a funny effect on me. Not funny haha. Funny strange.
Sometimes I think it is because it is my birthday month. Other times, (most times actually), I think it is related to something else. Something about June ignites inner energy that gets my adrenalin going. And, if there is stimulating and enjoyable activity around it- the results can be amaZing.
If not, it is almost painful. Like now.
I have the urge to do something creative, travel somewhere, meet new people, fall in love -(then quickly out), dance, swim, garden, roll around in the grass, hang out at airports, watch meaningful movies, say exactly what's on my mind (but then am always relieved when I dont), cry until I have no tears left, scream at the top of my lungs, and jump off docks into cold icy water (which I have never actually done, and probably never will, but it's an exciting thought).
I almost feel like something is seriously missing, but I dont know what it is. If I knew where to look for it I would be searching like a mad woman. It is almost a "confusion" but I dont know about what.
Athough I must say...there are moments of extreme gratitude and satisfaction.
Like this morning when Lora brought me the funky, vintage, table-lamp that I had covetously eyed as we browsed through the antique store a few months ago. I decided it was a definite WANT instead of a need and continued window shopping.
When she hand delivered it to my home I was almost speechless. I was so overcome with how thoughtful she was, I couldnt even speak. Someone actually thought of ME. And, gave me something that is not only beautiful- but I really WANTED it. Those are the kind of things that take away that uneasy inside feeling. If even only for a morning..... Thanks LuLu
Sometimes I think it is because it is my birthday month. Other times, (most times actually), I think it is related to something else. Something about June ignites inner energy that gets my adrenalin going. And, if there is stimulating and enjoyable activity around it- the results can be amaZing.
If not, it is almost painful. Like now.
I have the urge to do something creative, travel somewhere, meet new people, fall in love -(then quickly out), dance, swim, garden, roll around in the grass, hang out at airports, watch meaningful movies, say exactly what's on my mind (but then am always relieved when I dont), cry until I have no tears left, scream at the top of my lungs, and jump off docks into cold icy water (which I have never actually done, and probably never will, but it's an exciting thought).
I almost feel like something is seriously missing, but I dont know what it is. If I knew where to look for it I would be searching like a mad woman. It is almost a "confusion" but I dont know about what.
Athough I must say...there are moments of extreme gratitude and satisfaction.
Like this morning when Lora brought me the funky, vintage, table-lamp that I had covetously eyed as we browsed through the antique store a few months ago. I decided it was a definite WANT instead of a need and continued window shopping.
When she hand delivered it to my home I was almost speechless. I was so overcome with how thoughtful she was, I couldnt even speak. Someone actually thought of ME. And, gave me something that is not only beautiful- but I really WANTED it. Those are the kind of things that take away that uneasy inside feeling. If even only for a morning..... Thanks LuLu
Saturday, May 22, 2010
The Most Amazing Saturday
I had the most amazing Saturday.
Waking up early- and not feeling especially juiced by my current life style- or life in general for that matter- devoured three glasses of water, grabbed a Pepcid AC and 2 extra stength ibuprofen, visited the washroom, and dived back into my extremely luxurious, IKEA decorated bed (with extra pillows), and started contemplating how I had so much to do but all I wanted to do was sleep for the rest of the day.
A phone call from my daughter at 9 reminded me that I had made other promises. "Mom-Did I wake you up...so sorry... Would it be ok if I just drop them off after toast- I'm sorry, I hope that is ok. Even if it is only the twins". As amiss as I was feeling, something started to shift... I think it may have been hearing myself in her voice. The combination of feeling bad for having to ask for help, that I am not really superwoman, eventhough I am trying my damnedest, hating to impose on anyone, but woman enough to admit that I am in over my head at this moment....
I was so proud of my daughter for her open vulnerability, but also wanted to step up and be of actual assistance without letting her overthink it. "Are you kidding- I have been up for hours!" I lied through my teeth. "Come now!"
A few moments later , I heard the slamming of a van door and there they were- sleepy, tousled haired, sweet smelling, comfortably pyjammaed, granddaughters. And the heart melting began. I anxiously waited while an extremely competent mother of three (well four if you count you- know-who) had remembered to pack everything absolutely necessary to see to the welfare of this precious cargo, and actually praised me for having a package of Kraft Dinner in the pantry. We were set. As soon as she left the driveway we ventured out onto the cold front of the front step. Wrapped in blankets, hot drinks in our hands, we began our adventure.
It started with adopting new identities. I became the mysterious and elusive older sister- "Kaliya". Anabella decided upon being "Dad" and Sophia chose to be "Mommy". We went through various scenarios, though most of them were related to the fact that Kaliya had an extraordinary singing voice that often woke her sleep deprived parents from their seldom moments of actual REM. Upon saying "sorry", both parents graciously forgave her, and returned to their pillows...until the singing began again- and the story repeated itself- over and over and over. But it was so fun- and such easy entertainment for all. I was so amazed at how they both understood the concept of making an unintentional mistake, apologizing, and forgiveness. What an important reminder.
We then ventured into the garden and under the giant azaleas. My garden became a magical kingdom of colourful blossoms and sweet smelling blooms, the perfect size for 3 year old princesses to discover their secret powers. I almost remembered exactly how it felt.
The afternoon delight had to be the total freedom they had in (mis) applying makeup to whatever facial feature they desired. Bathtime and clean clothes and into the van for a trip into the forest to find the bears and deers and other tropical wildlife of the Sunshine Coast, and maybe even Goldilocks... As we travelled through winding roads, surrounded by cedars and moss covered tree trunks, lush ferns and trickling brooks- they were impressed, but still wanted to catch a glimpse of those animals that I said would be there. The bears and deers did not appear...I struggled for reasons as to where they were, hoping that they would fall asleep before I had to come up with yet another amazing solution to why the animals werent appearing. ...when lo and behold- what should appear before our very eyes...but a doe and three fawns!
Can you believe our amazment (especially mine!) . Grandma said there would be animals- and there they were! I WAS A HERO!- and very very relieved....whatever the case- it turned out to be the perfect day- for now- tomorrow is another day.
Waking up early- and not feeling especially juiced by my current life style- or life in general for that matter- devoured three glasses of water, grabbed a Pepcid AC and 2 extra stength ibuprofen, visited the washroom, and dived back into my extremely luxurious, IKEA decorated bed (with extra pillows), and started contemplating how I had so much to do but all I wanted to do was sleep for the rest of the day.
A phone call from my daughter at 9 reminded me that I had made other promises. "Mom-Did I wake you up...so sorry... Would it be ok if I just drop them off after toast- I'm sorry, I hope that is ok. Even if it is only the twins". As amiss as I was feeling, something started to shift... I think it may have been hearing myself in her voice. The combination of feeling bad for having to ask for help, that I am not really superwoman, eventhough I am trying my damnedest, hating to impose on anyone, but woman enough to admit that I am in over my head at this moment....
I was so proud of my daughter for her open vulnerability, but also wanted to step up and be of actual assistance without letting her overthink it. "Are you kidding- I have been up for hours!" I lied through my teeth. "Come now!"
A few moments later , I heard the slamming of a van door and there they were- sleepy, tousled haired, sweet smelling, comfortably pyjammaed, granddaughters. And the heart melting began. I anxiously waited while an extremely competent mother of three (well four if you count you- know-who) had remembered to pack everything absolutely necessary to see to the welfare of this precious cargo, and actually praised me for having a package of Kraft Dinner in the pantry. We were set. As soon as she left the driveway we ventured out onto the cold front of the front step. Wrapped in blankets, hot drinks in our hands, we began our adventure.
It started with adopting new identities. I became the mysterious and elusive older sister- "Kaliya". Anabella decided upon being "Dad" and Sophia chose to be "Mommy". We went through various scenarios, though most of them were related to the fact that Kaliya had an extraordinary singing voice that often woke her sleep deprived parents from their seldom moments of actual REM. Upon saying "sorry", both parents graciously forgave her, and returned to their pillows...until the singing began again- and the story repeated itself- over and over and over. But it was so fun- and such easy entertainment for all. I was so amazed at how they both understood the concept of making an unintentional mistake, apologizing, and forgiveness. What an important reminder.
We then ventured into the garden and under the giant azaleas. My garden became a magical kingdom of colourful blossoms and sweet smelling blooms, the perfect size for 3 year old princesses to discover their secret powers. I almost remembered exactly how it felt.
The afternoon delight had to be the total freedom they had in (mis) applying makeup to whatever facial feature they desired. Bathtime and clean clothes and into the van for a trip into the forest to find the bears and deers and other tropical wildlife of the Sunshine Coast, and maybe even Goldilocks... As we travelled through winding roads, surrounded by cedars and moss covered tree trunks, lush ferns and trickling brooks- they were impressed, but still wanted to catch a glimpse of those animals that I said would be there. The bears and deers did not appear...I struggled for reasons as to where they were, hoping that they would fall asleep before I had to come up with yet another amazing solution to why the animals werent appearing. ...when lo and behold- what should appear before our very eyes...but a doe and three fawns!
Can you believe our amazment (especially mine!) . Grandma said there would be animals- and there they were! I WAS A HERO!- and very very relieved....whatever the case- it turned out to be the perfect day- for now- tomorrow is another day.
Friday, April 23, 2010
"I Gotta Feeling"
I wake up every morning with the same question. "How do I feel?" It may seem strange to most of you, or not- but that is the first thing that runs through my mind. I have to check in with each part of my body, but more importantly, (to me anyways), I check in to see how I am feeling emotionally. This part is sort of a worry to me as I am mostly checking in to see if I feel guilty about anything...sometimes it is about eating crap the day before, or just plain eating too much or and drinking too much. Other times it is around hurting someone's feelings, messing up at work, spending too much money or not spending enough money. Maybe I should have helped someone out more or perhaps my house is too messy- not calling someone back, filling my mind with less than spiritual material, not exercising...and the list goes on and on and on.
The good news is, that there have been a few days that I have been able to wake up and go "whew!- I made it through that mindfield safely." But they are far and few inbetween..(is that the right expression).
I really am tired of those questions..., but I dont seem to be able to stop asking them. It is progress however from the old way of waking up and jumping into my day with "what do I have to worry about and fix today?"...that was the question of the day for many years prior to "How do I feel today?" I got out of bed fuelled directly by cortisol and adrenalin. Add coffee and I was dynamite!
I wish I could be one of those people who didnt give a crap, loved themselves and the entire planet. I just didnt turn out that way. I have a strong feeling it is related to my life experiences. Which, were unusual to put it mildly. I dont hate myself- I know that. I know I can be better though, and I am often bewildered as to why I dont just get to work and "get better". I have an excuse for everything it seems.
People's bad moods and stupid actions affect me. I can be in an amazing mood, loving my life and the drive to work and then a chance encounter with someone who is cranky, or rude can really affect how I feel about the whole day. I feel like an unmade bed when that happens. And resentful. I have often been told that I am oversensitive. Maybe I am. But the truth is I would rather be overly sensitive then insensitive. Maybe I should just strive for a happy medium.
The good news is, that there have been a few days that I have been able to wake up and go "whew!- I made it through that mindfield safely." But they are far and few inbetween..(is that the right expression).
I really am tired of those questions..., but I dont seem to be able to stop asking them. It is progress however from the old way of waking up and jumping into my day with "what do I have to worry about and fix today?"...that was the question of the day for many years prior to "How do I feel today?" I got out of bed fuelled directly by cortisol and adrenalin. Add coffee and I was dynamite!
I wish I could be one of those people who didnt give a crap, loved themselves and the entire planet. I just didnt turn out that way. I have a strong feeling it is related to my life experiences. Which, were unusual to put it mildly. I dont hate myself- I know that. I know I can be better though, and I am often bewildered as to why I dont just get to work and "get better". I have an excuse for everything it seems.
People's bad moods and stupid actions affect me. I can be in an amazing mood, loving my life and the drive to work and then a chance encounter with someone who is cranky, or rude can really affect how I feel about the whole day. I feel like an unmade bed when that happens. And resentful. I have often been told that I am oversensitive. Maybe I am. But the truth is I would rather be overly sensitive then insensitive. Maybe I should just strive for a happy medium.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Spring has Sprung
When I think of Spring I automatically think of Santana. Her birthday is March 21st. And she has such an amazing energy (when she's not sleeping) that she just brightens up anyone's day.
The other thoughts that come to mind are pictures of daffodils, tulips, new green stems sprouting out of the cold earth, sunnier days, bicycles, happy kids...a happier me too.
While most people start off the New Year with resolutions,I tend to do it in the spring. Not to anyone in particular- just sort of automatically to myself. I dont know why.
It seems to be more of a new beginning for me. The sunshine and new growth inspire me to put more effort into my own personal growth as well. Which, by the way has been very horizontal over the winter. My jeans actually hurt.
Yes, the red wine, pasta and cheese have done an amazing job on my body. Such an amazing job in fact, that when I saw a reflection of a chunky middle aged woman in high heels in a store front window, I literally fell over when I realized who it was. Me. It could have also been due to the fact that I wear high heels that are really too high.
Thank goodness I hadnt been drinking or I would have had to scream out "Im not drunk!" Which I have had to scream out in the past.... ok that is another story, also connected to high heels, chain link fences, tropical locations and sometimes alcohol.
So when I say Spring has Sprung, I guess I am also referring to my baby girl Santana....who turned 21 yesterday. Not only has she sprung from being my baby girl to an amazing young woman, she has also sprung the country....Who would have thought it would have been her that had the Bali connection. The kid is the most Canadian out of all three of my daughters. Although, a very cute b-boy does have a lot to do with the attraction.
All of my girls are repeating aspects of my life in different areas. It is so amazing to watch myself in each and every one of them. I feel like I have 3D glasses on. Thank goodness they are all so connected and supportive of each other that they wont ever be alone to face anything by themselves. Not that they couldnt, they just have the luxury of not having to- if they dont want to.
I have also just realized that I can cross off another one of my "bucket list" goals this month. I got to dance with all three of my daughters at the same time some place other than our living room! And we were all grown up (well except for me).
The evening was probably one of the best I have ever had. A room filled with tulips and balloons, good food, good people and love... It sounds corny but it's true. I love every person that was there. How often have I been able to say that? Well, actually when I look back- quite a few times. I am so fortunate to have such a diverse and eclectic family. My daughters have all brought such different people into my life. All unique in their own way, but the common denominator has to be they have all chosen partners with good hearts. What more could a mother ask for?
The other thoughts that come to mind are pictures of daffodils, tulips, new green stems sprouting out of the cold earth, sunnier days, bicycles, happy kids...a happier me too.
While most people start off the New Year with resolutions,I tend to do it in the spring. Not to anyone in particular- just sort of automatically to myself. I dont know why.
It seems to be more of a new beginning for me. The sunshine and new growth inspire me to put more effort into my own personal growth as well. Which, by the way has been very horizontal over the winter. My jeans actually hurt.
Yes, the red wine, pasta and cheese have done an amazing job on my body. Such an amazing job in fact, that when I saw a reflection of a chunky middle aged woman in high heels in a store front window, I literally fell over when I realized who it was. Me. It could have also been due to the fact that I wear high heels that are really too high.
Thank goodness I hadnt been drinking or I would have had to scream out "Im not drunk!" Which I have had to scream out in the past.... ok that is another story, also connected to high heels, chain link fences, tropical locations and sometimes alcohol.
So when I say Spring has Sprung, I guess I am also referring to my baby girl Santana....who turned 21 yesterday. Not only has she sprung from being my baby girl to an amazing young woman, she has also sprung the country....Who would have thought it would have been her that had the Bali connection. The kid is the most Canadian out of all three of my daughters. Although, a very cute b-boy does have a lot to do with the attraction.
All of my girls are repeating aspects of my life in different areas. It is so amazing to watch myself in each and every one of them. I feel like I have 3D glasses on. Thank goodness they are all so connected and supportive of each other that they wont ever be alone to face anything by themselves. Not that they couldnt, they just have the luxury of not having to- if they dont want to.
I have also just realized that I can cross off another one of my "bucket list" goals this month. I got to dance with all three of my daughters at the same time some place other than our living room! And we were all grown up (well except for me).
The evening was probably one of the best I have ever had. A room filled with tulips and balloons, good food, good people and love... It sounds corny but it's true. I love every person that was there. How often have I been able to say that? Well, actually when I look back- quite a few times. I am so fortunate to have such a diverse and eclectic family. My daughters have all brought such different people into my life. All unique in their own way, but the common denominator has to be they have all chosen partners with good hearts. What more could a mother ask for?
Friday, February 26, 2010
Back to Life- Back to Reality
An oldie, but exceptionally good song. I have always wondered about that phrase.
When I was leaving Cuba, with the rest of the Canadians on that charter, (which is completely worthy of another blog on its own), I heard a woman saying those words to her friends. It reminded me of arriving in Canada after living in Indonesia for the past 20 years and having my stepmother say that to me- how I "had to get back to reality" now.
What serioulsy puzzled me was- if this is reality what were the last 20 years about? A fake life? It was life in Canada that seemed like the big tv show. Houses all neatly in rows, polite drivers, extremely well lit stores, and excellent customer service- without people asking for additional money after quoting me on something. It was weird!
McDonalds was not a luxury but affordable. All my electronical equipment worked, and no power outages. Smiling policemen, white people working well into their 50s and 60s..... I kept waking up and forgetting where I was. If it was storming outside I did not have to be afraid that water was going to drip onto my floor, perhaps hitting an electrical wire or causing a wipeout on an extremely slippery, ceramic tile. My roof stayed on through the wildest windstorms, and the doctor was free! Yes, as much as it was fantastically efficient, it didnt seem real for a very long time.
What was harder for me to understand was how employers would not let you leave if your child was ill, or needed to be picked up from daycare as it was past their closing hours. I also never quite got over the fact that family didnt have time for family- especially children. Being asked to babysit wasnt a privilege it was a burden. Golf, hockey games and soap operas were a priority over a visit, and it became so much easier to plop a frozen dinner into the oven and watch it over tv then to cook together and gather at a table.
I will admit, that what was hard for me to understand is now not. Our new life style has become the norm for now. I wonder for how long, and a little bit hesitantly and fearfully if this is now my new reality.
When I was leaving Cuba, with the rest of the Canadians on that charter, (which is completely worthy of another blog on its own), I heard a woman saying those words to her friends. It reminded me of arriving in Canada after living in Indonesia for the past 20 years and having my stepmother say that to me- how I "had to get back to reality" now.
What serioulsy puzzled me was- if this is reality what were the last 20 years about? A fake life? It was life in Canada that seemed like the big tv show. Houses all neatly in rows, polite drivers, extremely well lit stores, and excellent customer service- without people asking for additional money after quoting me on something. It was weird!
McDonalds was not a luxury but affordable. All my electronical equipment worked, and no power outages. Smiling policemen, white people working well into their 50s and 60s..... I kept waking up and forgetting where I was. If it was storming outside I did not have to be afraid that water was going to drip onto my floor, perhaps hitting an electrical wire or causing a wipeout on an extremely slippery, ceramic tile. My roof stayed on through the wildest windstorms, and the doctor was free! Yes, as much as it was fantastically efficient, it didnt seem real for a very long time.
What was harder for me to understand was how employers would not let you leave if your child was ill, or needed to be picked up from daycare as it was past their closing hours. I also never quite got over the fact that family didnt have time for family- especially children. Being asked to babysit wasnt a privilege it was a burden. Golf, hockey games and soap operas were a priority over a visit, and it became so much easier to plop a frozen dinner into the oven and watch it over tv then to cook together and gather at a table.
I will admit, that what was hard for me to understand is now not. Our new life style has become the norm for now. I wonder for how long, and a little bit hesitantly and fearfully if this is now my new reality.
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Up Up and Away
OMG. I am so excited. I have randomly chosen to go to Cuba. After nights of dreaming about white beaches and warm waters, I realized that it was time to go somewhere that would replenish and heal.
After the robbery, I felt so totally depleted and out of control, I needed to do something out of the ordinary and totally different. That meant not going to Bali, not going with people I know, and not going anyplace familiar.
So off I go. Excited and optimistic. Looking forward to new experiences and new memories.
After the robbery, I felt so totally depleted and out of control, I needed to do something out of the ordinary and totally different. That meant not going to Bali, not going with people I know, and not going anyplace familiar.
So off I go. Excited and optimistic. Looking forward to new experiences and new memories.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
My Life
Everyone has their own life's journey to complete- or not -. We all make choices and decisions that affect which way our life goes- or doesnt.
One thing that I think is a total waste of time and energy is spending time dwelling on those choices- and regretting them to the point where we fail to be in the present, or look at the consequences and lessons that (hopefully) we have learned.
Although I have often wondered what my life would have been like if I had returned to Canada after high school instead of getting married, I cant honestly imagine that life for less then a blink of an eye. My life has been a full one. I have seen and experienced things that not only would most people here not understand, but would not even begin to comprehend if I tried to explain them.
When I recall my experiences I get an amazing feeling of gratitude and fulfillment. I almost feel smug. I cant help it. I feel that I am a person who has such an incredible amount of exposure to life at all angles- that nothing surprises me, or causes me to judge too hastily. Im not saying I dont judge- unfortunately I havent reached that level of enlightenment yet...but I try to think everything over, relate both sides, weigh it with all things relevant...and then, imperfectly make a judgment call. Not that it means anything to anyone or anything.
I have survived situations that are unbelievable. And alot of them I jumped into feet first. The main thing is I am fine. I like myself. I cherish and adore my family. I love my life.
One thing that I think is a total waste of time and energy is spending time dwelling on those choices- and regretting them to the point where we fail to be in the present, or look at the consequences and lessons that (hopefully) we have learned.
Although I have often wondered what my life would have been like if I had returned to Canada after high school instead of getting married, I cant honestly imagine that life for less then a blink of an eye. My life has been a full one. I have seen and experienced things that not only would most people here not understand, but would not even begin to comprehend if I tried to explain them.
When I recall my experiences I get an amazing feeling of gratitude and fulfillment. I almost feel smug. I cant help it. I feel that I am a person who has such an incredible amount of exposure to life at all angles- that nothing surprises me, or causes me to judge too hastily. Im not saying I dont judge- unfortunately I havent reached that level of enlightenment yet...but I try to think everything over, relate both sides, weigh it with all things relevant...and then, imperfectly make a judgment call. Not that it means anything to anyone or anything.
I have survived situations that are unbelievable. And alot of them I jumped into feet first. The main thing is I am fine. I like myself. I cherish and adore my family. I love my life.
Monday, January 25, 2010
The Beginning of the Past
I got married on July 22, 1977 in Kuta, Bali. Barely a month since my 18th birthday, wrapped in purple and gold, flowers in my hair, gems and jewellery around my neck and wrists. It was a small wedding by Balinese standards. My mother and a few Aussies staying at the losmen belonging to my husband's family, plus a foreign photographer that my mom had met at her hotel and invited to the wedding were the only attendees that even closely resembled a bride's party. It was one of the first weddings of its kind- in our village anyways. Balinese had married foreigners before, (better known as 'tourists'), but it was usually the female who was Balinese, and they usually did not stay in Bali.
Hours of sitting in the sun while the priest rang his bell and chanted the marriage prayers to the surrounding ancestors and Sang Hyang Widi. Feeling sick, excited and nervous all at the same time, but wanting it to be over so I could hide in my little room and rethink this whole idea. Should I have followed my instinct a few hours earlier?
The feeling had hit me as the finishing touches were being done to my hair and makeup, sitting in front of the wooden wardrobe's full-length mirror. I didnt want to do this. What was I thinking? I hadnt even gone to my high school graduation! All of these bizarre and foreign things going on around me. The hypnotic chanting, the breaking of eggs and coconuts, burning incense, chickens and pigs sacrificed in front of the family temple. I told my sister-in-law to be that I had changed my mind. She looked shocked and tried to calm me down- Dont worry she told me, everyone goes through this. You have to go out there. Everyone is waiting. What will we tell people? She started to look more cranky then shocked. Okay, I said, okay. I'll go. And out I went into the courtyard, to begin the daylong ceremony that would change my life forever.
Hours of sitting in the sun while the priest rang his bell and chanted the marriage prayers to the surrounding ancestors and Sang Hyang Widi. Feeling sick, excited and nervous all at the same time, but wanting it to be over so I could hide in my little room and rethink this whole idea. Should I have followed my instinct a few hours earlier?
The feeling had hit me as the finishing touches were being done to my hair and makeup, sitting in front of the wooden wardrobe's full-length mirror. I didnt want to do this. What was I thinking? I hadnt even gone to my high school graduation! All of these bizarre and foreign things going on around me. The hypnotic chanting, the breaking of eggs and coconuts, burning incense, chickens and pigs sacrificed in front of the family temple. I told my sister-in-law to be that I had changed my mind. She looked shocked and tried to calm me down- Dont worry she told me, everyone goes through this. You have to go out there. Everyone is waiting. What will we tell people? She started to look more cranky then shocked. Okay, I said, okay. I'll go. And out I went into the courtyard, to begin the daylong ceremony that would change my life forever.
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