"I Gotta Feeling"

I wake up every morning with the same question. "How do I feel?" It may seem strange to most of you, or not- but that is the first thing that runs through my mind. I have to check in with each part of my body, but more importantly, (to me anyways), I check in to see how I am feeling emotionally. This part is sort of a worry to me as I am mostly checking in to see if I feel guilty about anything...sometimes it is about eating crap the day before, or just plain eating too much or and drinking too much. Other times it is around hurting someone's feelings, messing up at work, spending too much money or not spending enough money. Maybe I should have helped someone out more or perhaps my house is too messy- not calling someone back, filling my mind with less than spiritual material, not exercising...and the list goes on and on and on.

The good news is, that there have been a few days that I have been able to wake up and go "whew!- I made it through that mindfield safely." But they are far and few inbetween..(is that the right expression).

I really am tired of those questions..., but I dont seem to be able to stop asking them. It is progress however from the old way of waking up and jumping into my day with "what do I have to worry about and fix today?"...that was the question of the day for many years prior to "How do I feel today?" I got out of bed fuelled directly by cortisol and adrenalin. Add coffee and I was dynamite!

I wish I could be one of those people who didnt give a crap, loved themselves and the entire planet. I just didnt turn out that way. I have a strong feeling it is related to my life experiences. Which, were unusual to put it mildly. I dont hate myself- I know that. I know I can be better though, and I am often bewildered as to why I dont just get to work and "get better". I have an excuse for everything it seems.

People's bad moods and stupid actions affect me. I can be in an amazing mood, loving my life and the drive to work and then a chance encounter with someone who is cranky, or rude can really affect how I feel about the whole day. I feel like an unmade bed when that happens. And resentful. I have often been told that I am oversensitive. Maybe I am. But the truth is I would rather be overly sensitive then insensitive. Maybe I should just strive for a happy medium.