My Life

Everyone has their own life's journey to complete- or not -. We all make choices and decisions that affect which way our life goes- or doesnt.

One thing that I think is a total waste of time and energy is spending time dwelling on those choices- and regretting them to the point where we fail to be in the present, or look at the consequences and lessons that (hopefully) we have learned.

Although I have often wondered what my life would have been like if I had returned to Canada after high school instead of getting married, I cant honestly imagine that life for less then a blink of an eye. My life has been a full one. I have seen and experienced things that not only would most people here not understand, but would not even begin to comprehend if I tried to explain them.

When I recall my experiences I get an amazing feeling of gratitude and fulfillment. I almost feel smug. I cant help it. I feel that I am a person who has such an incredible amount of exposure to life at all angles- that nothing surprises me, or causes me to judge too hastily. Im not saying I dont judge- unfortunately I havent reached that level of enlightenment yet...but I try to think everything over, relate both sides, weigh it with all things relevant...and then, imperfectly make a judgment call. Not that it means anything to anyone or anything.

I have survived situations that are unbelievable. And alot of them I jumped into feet first. The main thing is I am fine. I like myself. I cherish and adore my family. I love my life.

The Beginning of the Past

I got married on July 22, 1977 in Kuta, Bali. Barely a month since my 18th birthday, wrapped in purple and gold, flowers in my hair, gems and jewellery around my neck and wrists. It was a small wedding by Balinese standards. My mother and a few Aussies staying at the losmen belonging to my husband's family, plus a foreign photographer that my mom had met at her hotel and invited to the wedding were the only attendees that even closely resembled a bride's party. It was one of the first weddings of its kind- in our village anyways. Balinese had married foreigners before, (better known as 'tourists'), but it was usually the female who was Balinese, and they usually did not stay in Bali.

Hours of sitting in the sun while the priest rang his bell and chanted the marriage prayers to the surrounding ancestors and Sang Hyang Widi. Feeling sick, excited and nervous all at the same time, but wanting it to be over so I could hide in my little room and rethink this whole idea. Should I have followed my instinct a few hours earlier?

The feeling had hit me as the finishing touches were being done to my hair and makeup, sitting in front of the wooden wardrobe's full-length mirror. I didnt want to do this. What was I thinking? I hadnt even gone to my high school graduation! All of these bizarre and foreign things going on around me. The hypnotic chanting, the breaking of eggs and coconuts, burning incense, chickens and pigs sacrificed in front of the family temple. I told my sister-in-law to be that I had changed my mind. She looked shocked and tried to calm me down- Dont worry she told me, everyone goes through this. You have to go out there. Everyone is waiting. What will we tell people? She started to look more cranky then shocked. Okay, I said, okay. I'll go. And out I went into the courtyard, to begin the daylong ceremony that would change my life forever.

Weekend Musings

I am happy to say that it actually feels like a weekend so far. I got to sleep in, went to a friend's house for a fabulous brunch, and then a fantastic beach front walk. The sun is shining, people were out with puppies and kids. Smiling, chatting enjoying the weather. I am not feeling guilty (yet) about the household chores that await me and how I really dont want to do them.

I plan to go play some more with my grandkids and pass on my grandmotherly wisdom to them. Most of that consists of hugs and kisses, playing kiddiecar, and making sure they (Anabella at least) wear helmets at all times. Well, at least while she (Anabella that is) races around the house on her razor scooter. That kid is amazing. I keep trying to get her parents to send me a video of her on it as I want to send it to Ellen- and maybe get an all expense paid trip to where ever she does her show as I introduce this gifted athlete to the world. It is so incredibly fun to watch her with her skilled steering abilities, along with swerves and leg lifts to the music of Beyonce... you really have to see it to believe it.

Sophia is the runner of the family. Head down, arms straight by her side, gracefully leaping around the house while she giggles away. Talk about pure Joy- and an excellent way to get in some exercise without ever leaving the house. Sophia is quite the thinker.....

Kaliya is the cuddler. Besides being an excellent movie critic, her cuddles soothe this Grandma's soul. When she asks me to tickle her back and sing a Balinese lullaby my heart melts.....I love my grandkids so much it warms my entire being.

So, perhaps I will just skip the household chores totally and go straight over to their house now. Spending extra time with them will make an already perfect day even better, and it seems like such a noble excuse not to have to vacuum.

It's Only Tuesday?

I sit here in a fog. I should go home. My work is done, and I worked alot today...Im tired. I am in amazement it is Tuesday. It certainly feels like a Friday- or at least a Thursday. Well tomorrow is Wednesday and you know what that means....the next day is Thursday hurray!!!!!

I went to see my therapist today to tell her about my robbery. I thought I was ok, but I cried. I guess Im not really over it yet- but it has only been a week. By the time I left her office I had her crying from laughing so hard. I relayed my experience about chasing the garbage man down the road with my car and screaming at him insanely to empty my garbage. It felt awesome...and it was the day after the robbery, so I think it was a lot of pent up anger. What really got her going was the story about me yelling at the drive thru McDonald's girl. Like- REALLY yelling, and sort of arguing while I was driving away. I mean, this is a small town. And I am an Emotional Intelligence Coach- who, let's face it- is extremely emotional at times. I try to stay grounded but sometimes I just want to scream.

I had my an alarm system installed yesterday. The guy installing the alarm sure stayed a long time....I should never have offered him a glass of wine. I now know all about his incredible psychic abilities that he has had since he was a kid, and seen pictures of his artwork that he made when he was 19 (he is now near 55) on his phone. He was very nice, and talented too. but I just need some space. I couldnt tell him that I wanted him to go home. He wanted to talk. His wife and him have very different hours so they never see each other. He just stayed a little too long...

Anyways, maybe this is how I talk too much. By writing a blog that no one reads but me. It feels great though. I feel like I have actually had an intelligent conversation with someone.

The week that shook us up

I got robbed last Monday. The thieves rolled up into my house sometime between 11- 12:30 in the afternoon, walked into my house and proceeded to go through my house and take my stuff. And my daughter's and her boyfriend's stuff too.

As the days go by, we are realizing more and more what other things they stole from us- another little stab into the already damaged psyche of us all. Pills to help us feel ok and not anxious, cameras with family memories from vacations that will never repeat themselves. Photos of long lost friends that happened along surprise meetings in faraway places. Gifts given in love, bought with pride, received with thankfulness and gratitude. First purchases as a single mom in Canada, that didnt come from the thrift store. Pride, rewards for hard work.

I am angry that they had the nerve to invade my territory and life. I am angry that they werent even gentle when they pulled the cables out and knocked the speakers over. I am furious that they have left my daughter filled with terror, and sleepless nights of nightmares and utter despair.

I am so sad that the town that I naively thought was full of like minded, good hearted people has the same disease as every other place. I am dissapointed that I have to create a new reality and live offensively now.

Deadbolts, alarm systems, second looks and waking up to turn on outside lights. A sick feeling in my stomach, shaking and realizing it really happened. Wanting the memories and awful feelings to fade away.

Monday, Monday

I had the nicest weekend, but feel strangely exhausted. I think it is because it is Monday. I automatically start a mental list of all the things I have to accomplish by Friday- and this week is a little overwhelming...and it is only lunchtime. I have the inner worry bug happening. One of my daughter's is ill, and has three children who may or may not get chicken pox. I have a conference to attend in the city which means getting everything organized to go, and to run smoothly while I am away. Then I am home for a day and have 3 meetings scheduled. The next day I am off to Vancouver to take my mother in for eye surgery- but at least I will be back the same day. Need to organize that travel form. Need to find a map to the hospital we are going to.

Cant wait till Friday night so I can have a nice glass (make that bottle) of wine.

Well Into 2010

Well we are well into 2010. I hear much talk about how to refer to this new decade/year of ours. Twenty- Ten seems to be the "cool" choice.

So, I am a little anxious about how things have not miraculously changed yet. Im not any healthier (by that I mean - stopped drinking wine and lost weight). There are no new amazing men in my life that have suddenly realized I am what they have been waiting for their whole lives and how could they have been so blind...or any old men (in both senses of the word) that have come to their senses and decided that they actually should repent and pay me what they owe me, or at least half of it.....

As I type this, I realize a reoccuring theme. I am waiting for others (especially men) to make the move and make my life better...I dont think that is how it works. I am one who actually tells alot of people/clients/friends/daughters...you cant wait or expect them to change. You have to be the one who does it! I think the only fear around this for me is that last time I acted on that " I guess it's me who has to make the change" impulse, a few dramatic events happened - escape into the rice fields at 3 am, blurry trip to Singapore, sneaking back into Indonesia, hiding in hotels, contacting embassies, cryptic and powerful lawyers, dukuns, having to explain inexplicable things to innocent children, stalkings, attacks, messy courtroom drama, financial ruin, hurting others, landing in Canada with 3 kids and 400 bucks and gaining sixty pounds......Need I say more on why I may be hesitant to start a new "change"?

In reflection though - and sorry for the cliche- "I've come a long way baby"...and so have my daughters. It definitely wasnt boring- and we are all stronger for it.

So, perhaps that should be the outcome I am focusing on - beginning with the end in mind....I wonder if I can patent that saying?