Mental Health Days

I started my morning with a cup of (not so good) coffee, a thumb press on the clicker to check out the national news channel- which is covering the floods and disaster in Australia, (I honestly feel bad about this. I have a ton of Australian friends who live in Qeensland,).

 Another click and I am into my email to catch up with my life. And it starts.

As I look at the clock- I  realize that 48 minutes have passed. 16 emails opened and replied to, and my coffee is cold. Again, my resolution to be at the office early- to get an energetic headstart, spirals down the drain. Not only is it past 9,  but I am still in my pink, fuzzy terry-towel bathrobe and I am looking at a minimum of 40 minutes to transform this couch potato into a presentable human being.

I call the office. Again. Although I am telling the complete and utter truth, as I am explaining my situation to my co-worker, and emphasizing how much  more productive I will be if I stay home,  I wonder why it sounds and feels like a totally lame excuse, a blatant lie- even to me!?  What is the matter with my head? My ears? Am I developing multiple personalities?? WHO IS THIS TALKING??? This gets me thinking... and questioning things (like my sanity).  And I start the usual process...and over analyzing...

Okay! As I snap out of my contemplative, tilted head pose, I realize that another 35 minutes has passed. I have accomplished nothing. My inbox has filled with 9  more emails, and I am still in my pink,... fuzzy terry-towel bathrobe. I start opening the emails marked high-priority. Deadlines, delayed approvals and unclear staff have my stomach in knots.

"Why doesnt anybody get this?" I ask myself. And then I get it. I am an alien (just kidding). .. .There is nothing to get. I am swirling around in my own pool of stress. I have jumped in head first, and asked  someone to turn the speed up. This is such a painful lesson. And harder yet, when people pick up on it, and end up feeling my stress. The stress I feel ashamed about feeling.

This really hits me hard. I so dont want to burden those I love with my own, needs-to-be-dealt-with-on-a-personal-level-stuff.  If I dont  love them, (or even care about them) ... whatever. No second thought.

But the people I feel for  and care most about shouldnt have to deal with this stuff. It is mine, and mine alone to figure out. Or so I think...we are all so connected. Whether we choose or want to be!

I guess the dilemmna is how to acknowledge it, approach and deal with it, while trying my best  not to affect the important people. But... according to quantam physics- this is an impossible feat

So, with realizing all of this...I think I get it...perhaps my stuff  isnt just mine. Maybe, just maybe... I am feeling this way as a result of something going on with those most closely connected to me.

A pregnant daughter,  excitement, anticipation, the fear of the unknown...basically - life changing circumstances.

Another daughter with a sick child...the pain that affects  both mother and child, spouse and other children- the worry and exhaustion of wanting things to be safe and smoothe in order to carry on.

And my baby- hoping to get through  insurmountable and equally unpredictable red tape in order to be with the one she loves the most, and her family during life's most important times. Looking at a life-style change, and hoping for the best.

 I take another look at 'the situation' and re-evaluate.  It is starting to make sense. All of a sudden I am happy for my strengths and current position in life . I am available- in whatever way I need to be.

 I am strong. I am willing and capable, and so stoked to be able to be able to be where I am.

So, as I sit here in my pink, fuzzy terry-towel robe, I have answered all of my emails, gotten things organized at the office for another  productive day,  and cooked a delicious and nutritious dinner (there was spinach). I have been able to understand where the 3 best accomplishments of my life are coming from. It's not bad at all. As a matter of fact, it is pretty freakin awesome :)